Olivia Payne
Position the hair away from your girlfriend’s face. A loose bun is best, and should be held in place with a scrunchy. These can be easily distinguished from a hair-tie by their classic ‘scrunched’ shape and are usually easier to find. Check her bedside table, gym- or hand- bag, those plastic pouches in the bathroom, or shake out yesterday’s clothes. To form the bun, gently gather her hair into a ponytail, before winding it in a circular motion above the nape, securing it with a double-twist of the scrunchy. For more advanced partners, or those with short-haired-girlfriends (SHGs), see my guide on bobby pins. If you know or suspect your girlfriend wears a wig or extensions, I recommend waiting until their removal to proceed. Do not attempt removal by yourself.
Once the hair is secured, lift her head from her body gently, but firmly, grasping the skull. The best grip for this is palms on either side of the bun, with your fingers forming a loose cage around her ears. It should look like the bun is the body of a spider, with your hands being the legs. A slight twist and tug should be enough to remove her head from her neck. Some resistance is normal, but if you feel a strong resistance, release her head immediately. It could be the muscles in her neck and/or shoulders are too tense, and these should be relaxed manually before a second attempt or you risk causing permanent damage. Follow the first steps of my trusted 15-Minute Sensual Girlfriend Massage, stopping before you go below the waist, and then try again. If you still can’t remove her head yourself, consider a course of muscle-relaxants or anti-depressants if this is an ongoing problem.
Leaving her now headless body in an upright position, you can proceed with the actual watering. This is best done in a bathroom, or in your backyard. You will need a minimum of 20L freshly drawn and preferably lukewarm water, in a container large enough to comfortably fit her head. You probably already have a bucket, which will do in a pinch, but something wider will allow you the space to better monitor her water intake—check out my list of best multi-purpose 30L+ tubs for some good options. Also consider that the level of the water will rise when her head is immersed (see my handy refresher on Archimedes’ Principle to get the maths on this), so going for a larger receptacle will help you to avoid unnecessary spillage.
Making sure your grip is tight and her ears, nose, and mouth are unobstructed, lower your girlfriend’s head into the water. Timing here is crucial: stop when the bubbles stop. This indicates that your girlfriend has reached saturation point and keeping her submerged any longer is at best futile or at worst actively harmful. Quickly remove her head from the water and immediately place it upright on a clean rack to allow the excess water to drain off. It will be tempting to use a hairdryer, but the dryness of the air will undo all your hard work. If you feel you have to, you can use a microfiber towel to pat-down her hair and face, being sure to avoid the opening at her neck. It is best not to leave the head unattended for long periods of time, you want it back on her body as soon as possible.
Replace her head carefully, reversing the twist and pull you did earlier, making sure her face is orientated correctly. Many experienced partners have their own memory-devices to help with head-orientation, the one I’ve always found most useful is ‘a nose and a nipple point the same way’. If the head no longer fits, or if you’re wanting to encourage growth, now would be a good time to place the head onto a new body. I have a whole series on this topic alone that is well worth checking out, but if you’re reading this with a head on a rack right now the essentials are covered in Perfect Bodies for Every Type of Girlfriend.
After watering, be sure to check in with your girlfriend. The jury is still out on whether girlfriends can really feel or remember anything without their heads (during my research I found a fascinating but unfortunately unverified account by a purported girlfriend on reddit comparing the experience to taking LSD), but I find a sensitive approach, incorporating both physical and verbal love-signs, is always appreciated. Ideally, you should notice immediately after watering that her skin appears brighter, she is breathing deeply with no nose wheezes, and she feels energized. If instead you find that your girlfriend is still having trouble breathing through her nose (pugging), maybe even getting regular nose-bleeds, suffers from insomnia, looks generally pale and drooping, or is otherwise behaving unusually for her, you might want to consider watering her more regularly or using a vitamin D supplement. These can go straight into her food or be applied as a spray.
This intensive watering treatment can be used once a month during the winter, or between light watering in the summer, but always be careful to check your girlfriend’s nostrils first. If they still have a normal colour and moisture level, consider holding off for up to a week after her first demands for a humidifier. Under-watering is usually safer than over-watering, and some complaints of dryness are better dealt with by using the appropriate hot-drinks or even affirming words and acknowledgement instead.
Remember, a carefully watered girlfriend is better equipped to survive the winter months and continue to brighten up your life, and you don’t need to waste money on a fancy humidifier to make that happen.
If you’ve found this article helpful, please consider buying me a coffee or making a monthly donation to TheGirlfriendGuy.com so I can keep giving you all the inside intel on girlfriend care and ownership. Ciao!
#
Olivia Payne is a librarian working in London. She’s an alumnus of the Faber Academy and proud member of the Write Like a Grrrl community. She’s previously had work published or forthcoming in places including Uncharted, body fluids, Cobra Milk, Ellipsis Zine, Impossible Task, Corporeal, Alphabet Box, and Sonder Magazine.