Andrew Fay
The astronaut sits on the back of a blue convertible in Terre Haute’s Fourth of July Parade. He is Indiana’s favorite son since Larry Bird. His wife waves to the crowd, draped in a satin dress with a disingenuous smile on her face. A child gives the astronaut a big thumbs up.
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As a boy, the astronaut idolizes Neil Armstrong and the garbage man. He wants to drive both the spaceship and the big truck.
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Because of his stellar academic performance, a U.S. Senator writes a recommendation for the astronaut to attend the Naval Academy. He plays strong safety for the Midshipmen and graduates fourth in his class. After graduation, the astronaut attends flight school in Corpus Christi, Texas. He meets a local and she becomes his wife.
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At the Academy, he majors in Mathematics. He can recite π to the 23rd digit. He used to know the 24th, but lately he has erroneously said it’s seven. It is not seven.
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He is a skilled test pilot and becomes an astronaut, and his superiors regard him as fearless.
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A colleague invites the astronaut to participate in a competitive eating contest. He respectfully declines; his body is a temple.
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On Saturdays, he plays golf. Sunday is the Lord’s Day.
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Because he is gone so much, travelling in space, the astronaut becomes estranged from his two daughters. The astronaut does not remember their birthdays.
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From the Boy Scouts of America Manual:
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There is a large portrait of his mother above the astronaut’s mantle. When a girlfriend points out her uncanny resemblance to his mother, the astronaut disagrees wholeheartedly. His face turns red.
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As a junior officer the astronaut breaks the airspeed record in an experimental jet. Asked for comment, the astronaut thanks the engineers and mechanics that worked on the jet. He says it was scary up there, but he knew he could count on his team. He also encourages children to stay off drugs.
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He becomes a poster child for the space program and convinces Members of Congress to raise their budget. Soon after, the astronaut is named commander of the first manned mission to Mars.
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The astronaut publishes a book of poems about his Labrador Retriever. The book is poorly received by critics, the literary community, and his many fans. The astronaut decides to grow a beard. His mother tells him she likes it.
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The principal of his former high school asks the Astronaut to give a speech to the student body. He introduces himself, then proceeds to demonstrate 100 push-ups. The principle declines to be bench pressed.
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The astronaut is investigated for tax evasion, but everything is straightened out.
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Respected by his crew, the astronaut takes them out for drinks. The bartender tries to card a young crew member and the astronaut says that is unnecessary.
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The astronaut visits Mars three times. He shows pictures to his mother who says it looks just like Arizona. The astronaut agrees.
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The astronaut’s wife finally leaves him for a Jaguar dealer in Kalamazoo. Three weeks after his wife leaves, the astronaut calls his sister and explains that the dryer is no longer working. After 15 minutes of troubleshooting, his sister asks if he changed the lint filter. The Astronaut asks what a lint filter is.
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While at a ribbon cutting ceremony for a shopping mall, the astronaut stresses the importance of civic involvement. He has earned the rank of Eagle Scout. After cutting the ribbon, the astronaut ties the two ends back together with the square knot that had earned him a merit badge. Onlookers are left confused as to whether or not the mall is open.
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The astronaut and his high school sweetheart decide to lose their virginity at prom, but she breaks up with him two weeks before the dance. That fall, he sends poems to her at college. The letters are returned unopened. Four years later, the astronaut has sex for the first time. Overcome with guilt, the astronaut asks the woman to be his wife.
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The Astronaut is interviewed on a popular morning show:
HOSTESS: What is it like to go into space?
THE ASTRONAUT: It’s like going home.
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The astronaut submits an article to a peer reviewed mathematics journal. It is published and he sends the issue to his mother. She does not understand it, but is proud anyway.
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At a shopping mall, the Astronaut meets a young woman selling Orange Julius. She becomes his second wife and encourages him to publish a memoir, Mars and Me, which is made into a T.V. mini-series. The astronaut disapproves of the actress cast as his mother.
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Andrew Fay is an MFA candidate at Hamline University, a member of the National Geographic Society, and a Maker’s Mark Ambassador. His hobbies include cooking, riding horses, swimming, fishing and computer programming. He is an avid Twins and Vikings fan and lives in Saint Paul, Minnesota with his fiancée, Alexandra.